“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe
Monday, January 30, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Aq masokis
Seandainya jiwa bisa dibersihkan dari rasa benci dengan air mata...
Seandainya kenangan hilang dan larut dengan air mata...
Sungguh aq ingin menangis, sampai tiada bersisa air mata...
Seandainya kenangan hilang dan larut dengan air mata...
Sungguh aq ingin menangis, sampai tiada bersisa air mata...
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Factory Reset
I will go to a new city next week...
Quite a break from the exhausting life in Singapore...to a city where I would be the only one or so I thought...
Well...obviously, I am wrong...It's just another city where I would just be another woman...
Sigh...How I wish life had thing such as factory reset...or mind reset or whatever. The only request God didn't grant me...to have a spouse with clear and pristine history...So, I should somehow manage to handle it right? Or not?
I'd spent almost 15 years of my life living under other woman's shadow...God knows how hard it was for me...Why should I spend another years living under someone else's shadow?
If only it's that easy to move somewhere and start over...far from memories, far from the dark shadows from the past that keep me haunted...
The theme song for these days would be this one I think
Quite a break from the exhausting life in Singapore...to a city where I would be the only one or so I thought...
Well...obviously, I am wrong...It's just another city where I would just be another woman...
Sigh...How I wish life had thing such as factory reset...or mind reset or whatever. The only request God didn't grant me...to have a spouse with clear and pristine history...So, I should somehow manage to handle it right? Or not?
I'd spent almost 15 years of my life living under other woman's shadow...God knows how hard it was for me...Why should I spend another years living under someone else's shadow?
If only it's that easy to move somewhere and start over...far from memories, far from the dark shadows from the past that keep me haunted...
The theme song for these days would be this one I think
I will see my family next week...see new places...have another wedding function...
And all I can think about is just those dark shadows...I hate myself
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
They who must not be named
Having a husband, it means having someone who voluntarily hears listens to you talking, chitchatting, murmuring and as a woman who has to speak around 200,000 words per day just to keep sane, I feel blessed having someone around to talk to. During the old depressive episodes, sometimes I greeted the otah seller or whoever around just to have someone to converse with.
Thank God now I have someone at home to talk to. And thank God that he has caring ears. He pays attention to every single little thing that I share, ranging from my daily activities to people's daily activities (that I see on Facebook). Since he doesn't have one, I frequently share who does what, the pictures, my opinion bout them and every teeny tiny thing I find. Everything except the two names that I shall never dare to mention till God knows when. Those two names who shall never be spoken under our family's roof.
Not that I didn't try to normalize they who must not be named. But every time I tried, it all backfired at me. Once, I tried to talk him to at least say "Hi" when they were in the same room, but he reluctantly agreed. In the end, he didn't do it. And seeing him feeling bad makes me feel bad. Anything related to they who must not be named never ends up in pH 7. It's either too acid or too alkaline and I have to put strong acid or strong base to neutralize it. So in the end, I stop. Maybe I'll try sometime later someday if the situation forced me to. Or I let God twist their faith again somehow. Or maybe, maybe, they would at last talk to him and give him peace which is one year overdue now. Right now, we just decided to walk past thru it. Sure, there are still some things that cannot be shaken off. He's an ordinary normal human being after all.
Well, like I said here, I've decided to trust him. He's already had some time and space to clear his head out of that mess before he asked me to marry him. Hence, when we got married, I decided to put those things behind us, where they should be. Honestly, it's hard. Sometimes, they who must not be named dragged us back to the past, but till date, we somehow manage to go back on track. The most important thing in our journey is me and him, I think. The rest is just black and dark shadow that we need to clear off.
Thank God now I have someone at home to talk to. And thank God that he has caring ears. He pays attention to every single little thing that I share, ranging from my daily activities to people's daily activities (that I see on Facebook). Since he doesn't have one, I frequently share who does what, the pictures, my opinion bout them and every teeny tiny thing I find. Everything except the two names that I shall never dare to mention till God knows when. Those two names who shall never be spoken under our family's roof.
Not that I didn't try to normalize they who must not be named. But every time I tried, it all backfired at me. Once, I tried to talk him to at least say "Hi" when they were in the same room, but he reluctantly agreed. In the end, he didn't do it. And seeing him feeling bad makes me feel bad. Anything related to they who must not be named never ends up in pH 7. It's either too acid or too alkaline and I have to put strong acid or strong base to neutralize it. So in the end, I stop. Maybe I'll try sometime later someday if the situation forced me to. Or I let God twist their faith again somehow. Or maybe, maybe, they would at last talk to him and give him peace which is one year overdue now. Right now, we just decided to walk past thru it. Sure, there are still some things that cannot be shaken off. He's an ordinary normal human being after all.
Well, like I said here, I've decided to trust him. He's already had some time and space to clear his head out of that mess before he asked me to marry him. Hence, when we got married, I decided to put those things behind us, where they should be. Honestly, it's hard. Sometimes, they who must not be named dragged us back to the past, but till date, we somehow manage to go back on track. The most important thing in our journey is me and him, I think. The rest is just black and dark shadow that we need to clear off.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Zhuge Liang and Liu Bei
We make choices every day...and our choices can be right or can be wrong...
Our choices will affect others, especially those who have close relationships to us
As a child, my parents have the final say...of where I'm studying, where I'm working, who I'm married...
As a wife, my husband has the final say...of almost every single detail of my daily life...
That's what I chose...He's who's chosen...
I can offer him insights, thoughts and considerations just like Zhuge Liang the great and smart military strategist advises Liu Bei
In the end, Liu Bei is the one who has the final word...and Zhuge Liang will faithfully follow...
Either the decision is right or wrong, he's Liu Bei...and I am Zhuge Liang
And I think that is how a marriage can work...
*kipas2 kayak Zhuge Liang*
Our choices will affect others, especially those who have close relationships to us
As a child, my parents have the final say...of where I'm studying, where I'm working, who I'm married...
As a wife, my husband has the final say...of almost every single detail of my daily life...
That's what I chose...He's who's chosen...
I can offer him insights, thoughts and considerations just like Zhuge Liang the great and smart military strategist advises Liu Bei
In the end, Liu Bei is the one who has the final word...and Zhuge Liang will faithfully follow...
Either the decision is right or wrong, he's Liu Bei...and I am Zhuge Liang
And I think that is how a marriage can work...
 |
| wikimedia.org |
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
The suckiest thing facebook can do to you is when somebody you consider your friend posted photos of them having fun without you...it even sucks more than when you found out that the ex is befriending your in-laws.
Just last nite he told me:
"I don't understand why you like facebooking. I notice that you always feel bad whenever you open it."
Well, my reason for Facebooking is that it's useful for those friends/acquaintances whom you want to easily contact but not to be too close.
Nevertheless, these days, it makes me more and more and more and more feel alienated...*menangis darah di pojokan ngurek2 pasir*
Damn FacebookNow the evangelist just has more the reason to make me quit facebook...
Just last nite he told me:
"I don't understand why you like facebooking. I notice that you always feel bad whenever you open it."
Well, my reason for Facebooking is that it's useful for those friends/acquaintances whom you want to easily contact but not to be too close.
Nevertheless, these days, it makes me more and more and more and more feel alienated...*menangis darah di pojokan ngurek2 pasir*
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