Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Hello World

My last entry is around a year ago...wkwkwk...many things happen since that day that I dare not to share with the rest of the world. I have been in cloud nine since, alhamdulillah...
Eniwai, I attended a convocation (or in Indonesia, we called it graduation ceremony) bout 3 weeks ago, and unlike me who gave unprepared sleepy distorted farewell speech, the person who gave the farewell speech was quite well-prepared. I could feel his vibrant spirit, thrill, and excitement of entering the world. I was reminded of how I felt five years ago (yes, i am that old) when I felt that there was a lot of opportunities in front of me. That was one of the optimistic moment I've ever felt.
If you asked what I felt 5 years after. Well, for sure, I lost the thrill I felt that day. I might be one of the unlucky ones of having an early death. Some of my friends seem to enjoy their life and their job, and still having the same excitement of thousand opportunities ahead.
Don't I have thousand opportunities as well?
What I feel now that the choice I made four years ago dragged me down to hit the rock bottom. I have experienced countless of depressive episodes since then. In the end, or at the point I'm standing now, I kind of understand why I had to take a lot of detour to stand where I am now. I am happy more or less with my life. Unsatisfied a lot with my career life but heck, it's just four (or five) years of having made the bad choice. For sure I can shake it off and move on (someday). Nah, actually the only way out I'm thinking now is to be a housewife. Apparently, I am that desperate. But like God has given me His precious gifts after series of misfortune in life, who knows what He has ahead for me. This is me trying not to be dragged down to the bottomless hell of depression again.
I am still trying to keep pushing myself though. That I can manage to graduate. That I can manage to somehow enjoy this tiny country island. That I can manage to face the shadow that has been haunted me for the last several months and kept me awake the whole night when I decided to face it last night. Breech of trust is something that is very hard to mend. But I need to trust I guess. I need to be more composed and calm and face the shadow so hopefully it would blew off my path so we are ready to face another shadow on another path...I can't believe I can sound this optimistic.
Hello world, this is me...the same little girl who is trying her hard to survive in this big world. To be better at my previous roles and to welcoming my new role. :)
65 days to go for freedom and loneliness.