Numb

This morning, I woke up with a different feeling than what I’ve felt for the last 3 years. Ever since I left my hometown and studied abroad, I’ve been living my life without any hope unless wishing that these days in hell will just end. However, this morning, not only I woke up in the middle of my family at my grandma’s house, but I also feel alive for the first time after quite a long time. The fact that the heart inside my body is still beating suddenly became very important for me. Because when I realize that my heart is still beating, the whole news and things happened the night before became clearer. Another heart stopped beating.
We were born few months apart and our bedrooms were just few meters apart. Though we grew up together, we weren’t that close of friends. I used to envy her for being smart, rich, and beautiful. Even now, when my mother called me last year and told me that she was sick, I did envy her. I might be ungrateful for my current life that I am willing to exchange it with her. I just thought that may be on my dying bed I would be loved; may be on my dying bed somebody would really just care for me; may be on my dying bed I would enjoy life more, as being alive is so much more important than getting a PhD. I hate myself for being insensitive but this last year I’ve been oscillating near the dangerous zone but the fact that my heart is still beating awakened me. I am still destined to live in this world. With this small thing beating inside of me, I still can do a lot of things, fulfilling my duty and obligation to my parents, my God, and my society.
However, as I was approaching my hometown today, I know for sure I would definitely cry. It’s just like my mother said, when somebody that young (yes, my mother consider s that my age is still young) left early, it stirs something inside you. I imagine that I have to face one of the things that I hate most, a mother who lost her child. It’s so heartbreaking, and somehow I feel relieve that we reached home quite late so I still have the whole night to prepare myself. It’s so eerie, but I know I have to cry now before I go back there. I have to cry now and here while I still have some shoulders and warming heart to calm me down. I don’t want to bring this uncomfortable feeling back there where I am lonely and tend to get depressed more. I know soon or later I will have to cry.
Nevertheless, I think, before I got so sad and depressed, I have to say a proper goodbye. So, good bye my friend. You’ve fought bravely and it’s time for you to rest well.

White Lies?

I was lying a lot these days, so much that even I, myself got fed up and exclaimed, moooiiii. I don’t know why it’s very hard for me to just say “it’s all over, everything i’ve said last year is not applicable now.” Well, one of the beautiful things about my language is it doesn’t have past tense. So technically, I wasn’t lying as everything I said was supposed to be in past tense. Kekeke.
I don’t know whether it’s my ego or my hurtful heart that prevented me from telling the truth. It’s just that I don’t feel good of explaining these things to people who (I think) don’t really care and I still feel so much pain to talk about these things and I can’t guarantee that I won’t cry or at the very least get cloudy. It’s just so hard for me. But these lies eating me alive and what made it worse is that my father and brothers didn’t say anything about it. Huhu...It’s killing me inside. I think it’s better to come clean so here we go.

I am 25. I am single in all definition that every vocabulary has. I am not with anybody right now. I am not planning anything related to that M word right now.

However, I do believe in my God and believe that He will do his part and I just need to do my part. So, just please stop asking me questions, will you?

Genes in the Bottle

Just realize one thing, my habit of expressing my emotion; every anger, grief, disappointment, jealousy, etc.; through facebook status is hereditary. It’s on my genes, so let’s blame genes for that. :D

The Deadly Sin

I should have known this better than anyone else should. I grew up watching my beloved oyaji struggling with the corrupted system namely my beloved country until the point that I really question him,

why r u coming back here? Why can’t we just stay out of here?

Still, I feel part of me torn when I watch where I am now and where some of them now. I know for sure you do not need to be ‘good’ to be rich in this part of the world. I know for sure that only a thin wall that differ my country and some disputed African countries. However, why do I still feel like this? I chose to walk this way and I have to bear all the consequences of my own choice. Today though, I want to blame the system that makes some people like me evades the country and some people like my oyaji lives struggling in the country. I think I need to really just be grateful for what I am now. And I should keep remember my friend’s quote, “with greater knowledge, comes greater responsibility; with higher education, comes greater responsibility to share it with those who cannot have it”.
Sigh…God, please free myself from this envy and greed.

The (BIG) World

10 years old girl asking a lot of question
It's cute everyone love it
Everyone thinks she's smart
Her father patiently answering her questions

25 years old woman asking a lot of question
It's annoying everyone staring at her
Everyone thinks she's childish
Only her father can still patiently answer her questions

Yes, because within 15 years, you can know everything in the world, you can conquer every language there is, you can read every writing system there is, you can experience every culture there is, you can understand every theory there is...

what an emotional tells the logical...a non fictional tells the fictional

I feel like the biggest joke ever...
really? u dare to ask me that much? in the month when my mother's hope flunk, when she has to explain it to my extended families...seems u r not aware of how much damage u've caused. It's not only to give me another reason to cry when I already have thousands to. U make me and my mother become the big fat liar in front of my extended families. U betray somebody who trusts you, who believes in you.
U took something from me, like he took something from me
I let myself drown in agony last year because at least I owed you that much
But this year, I didn't take anything from you so I refused to let myself fall
I don't deserve this. I am caring, loving, supporting when I have strength to
I swallowed my big pride, threw out my logical because I thought u worth it...
Just when I am down, fall, hit the rock bottom, u left me...
For whatever reason that is, the fact is just as simply as u left me...
U left me at the lowest point of my life
U gave me another reason to cry when I already have thousands to
U made my mother and me become the biggest joke in front of my extended families

And thank you very much for that...
If u still don't realize how much u hurt me, this is it.