Numb

This morning, I woke up with a different feeling than what I’ve felt for the last 3 years. Ever since I left my hometown and studied abroad, I’ve been living my life without any hope unless wishing that these days in hell will just end. However, this morning, not only I woke up in the middle of my family at my grandma’s house, but I also feel alive for the first time after quite a long time. The fact that the heart inside my body is still beating suddenly became very important for me. Because when I realize that my heart is still beating, the whole news and things happened the night before became clearer. Another heart stopped beating.
We were born few months apart and our bedrooms were just few meters apart. Though we grew up together, we weren’t that close of friends. I used to envy her for being smart, rich, and beautiful. Even now, when my mother called me last year and told me that she was sick, I did envy her. I might be ungrateful for my current life that I am willing to exchange it with her. I just thought that may be on my dying bed I would be loved; may be on my dying bed somebody would really just care for me; may be on my dying bed I would enjoy life more, as being alive is so much more important than getting a PhD. I hate myself for being insensitive but this last year I’ve been oscillating near the dangerous zone but the fact that my heart is still beating awakened me. I am still destined to live in this world. With this small thing beating inside of me, I still can do a lot of things, fulfilling my duty and obligation to my parents, my God, and my society.
However, as I was approaching my hometown today, I know for sure I would definitely cry. It’s just like my mother said, when somebody that young (yes, my mother consider s that my age is still young) left early, it stirs something inside you. I imagine that I have to face one of the things that I hate most, a mother who lost her child. It’s so heartbreaking, and somehow I feel relieve that we reached home quite late so I still have the whole night to prepare myself. It’s so eerie, but I know I have to cry now before I go back there. I have to cry now and here while I still have some shoulders and warming heart to calm me down. I don’t want to bring this uncomfortable feeling back there where I am lonely and tend to get depressed more. I know soon or later I will have to cry.
Nevertheless, I think, before I got so sad and depressed, I have to say a proper goodbye. So, good bye my friend. You’ve fought bravely and it’s time for you to rest well.