Setahun berlalu

Dan rasa itu masih ada...
Rasa yang sangat menyesakkan dada...
Kebencian yang belum mereda
Bagaimanakah caranya?
Berhenti membencinya?
Dia yang pernah menjadi orang ketiga...
Sesungguhnyalah aku ingin dia menghilang
Jauh dari kehidupan kami
Karena melihatnya selalu membangkitkan luka yang belum kering

That woman who almost made me cancel my wedding...
I don't know why I found it's very hard to just be normal around her...
or just forgive all the bad words I heard...

If we are allowed to do and say a lot of bad things just because we're emotional,
hadn't my logic been able to control my emotion, the emotional me for sure would have destroyed everything one year ago...

Sigh...may be time will heal? Hopefully someday?

Jadi inget surat Al Hasyr ayat 10 tadi...sedih...ngga ingin sebenernya membenci gini, sesak dada setiap kali melihat namanya muncul di layar hape, atau layar laptop. Apalagi mengingat jiwa yang lain di dalam sana. Sungguh tidak ingin dia menjadi seorang pembenci. Semoga dia tumbuh seperti ayahnya, yang selalu melihat sisi positif di tiap orang, sebelum peristiwa dua tahun yang lalu itu...

Ah luka...kenapa selalu menyisakan kebencian?

Thank God I found U

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

Aq masokis

Seandainya jiwa bisa dibersihkan dari rasa benci dengan air mata...
Seandainya kenangan hilang dan larut dengan air mata...
Sungguh aq ingin menangis, sampai tiada bersisa air mata...

Factory Reset

I will go to a new city next week...
Quite a break from the exhausting life in Singapore...to a city where I would be the only one or so I thought...
Well...obviously, I am wrong...It's just another city where I would just be another woman...
Sigh...How I wish life had thing such as factory reset...or mind reset or whatever. The only request God didn't grant me...to have a spouse with clear and pristine history...So, I should somehow manage to handle it right? Or not?
I'd spent almost 15 years of my life living under other woman's shadow...God knows how hard it was for me...Why should I spend another years living under someone else's shadow?
If only it's that easy to move somewhere and start over...far from memories, far from the dark shadows from the past that keep me haunted...
The theme song for these days would be this one I think

I will see my family next week...see new places...have another wedding function...

And all I can think about is just those dark shadows...I hate myself

They who must not be named

Having a husband, it means having someone who voluntarily hears listens to you talking, chitchatting, murmuring and as a woman who has to speak around 200,000 words per day just to keep sane, I feel blessed having someone around to talk to. During the old depressive episodes, sometimes I greeted the otah seller or whoever around just to have someone to converse with.
Thank God now I have someone at home to talk to. And thank God that he has caring ears. He pays attention to every single little thing that I share, ranging from my daily activities to people's daily activities (that I see on Facebook). Since he doesn't have one, I frequently share who does what, the pictures, my opinion bout them and every teeny tiny thing I find. Everything except the two names that I shall never dare to mention till God knows when. Those two names who shall never be spoken under our family's roof.
Not that I didn't try to normalize they who must not be named. But every time I tried, it all backfired at me. Once, I tried to talk him to at least say "Hi" when they were in the same room, but he reluctantly agreed. In the end, he didn't do it. And seeing him feeling bad makes me feel bad. Anything related to they who must not be named never ends up in pH 7. It's either too acid or too alkaline and I have to put strong acid or strong base to neutralize it. So in the end, I stop. Maybe I'll try sometime later someday if the situation forced me to. Or I let God twist their faith again somehow. Or maybe, maybe, they would at last talk to him and give him peace which is one year overdue now. Right now, we just decided to walk past thru it. Sure, there are still some things that cannot be shaken off. He's an ordinary normal human being after all.
Well, like I said here, I've decided to trust him. He's already had some time and space to clear his head out of that mess before he asked me to marry him. Hence, when we got married, I decided to put those things behind us, where they should be. Honestly, it's hard. Sometimes, they who must not be named dragged us back to the past, but till date, we somehow manage to go back on track. The most important thing in our journey is me and him, I think. The rest is just black and dark shadow that we need to clear off.

Zhuge Liang and Liu Bei

We make choices every day...and our choices can be right or can be wrong...
Our choices will affect others, especially those who have close relationships to us
As a child, my parents have the final say...of where I'm studying, where I'm working, who I'm married...
As a wife, my husband has the final say...of almost every single detail of my daily life...
That's what I chose...He's who's chosen...

I can offer him insights, thoughts and considerations just like Zhuge Liang the great and smart military strategist advises Liu Bei
In the end, Liu Bei is the one who has the final word...and Zhuge Liang will faithfully follow...

Either the decision is right or wrong, he's Liu Bei...and I am Zhuge Liang
And I think that is how a marriage can work...

wikimedia.org

*kipas2 kayak Zhuge Liang*

Facebook

The suckiest thing facebook can do to you is when somebody you consider your friend posted photos of them having fun without you...it even sucks more than when you found out that the ex is befriending your in-laws.

Damn Facebook

Now the evangelist just has more the reason to make me quit facebook...
Just last nite he told me:
"I don't understand why you like facebooking. I notice that you always feel bad whenever you open it."
Well, my reason for Facebooking is that it's useful for those friends/acquaintances whom you want to easily contact but not to be too close.
Nevertheless, these days, it makes me more and more and more and more feel alienated...*menangis darah di pojokan ngurek2 pasir*

Me blabbing about PDA

Let's just settle one thing first. This is my personal opinion about PDA. It might annoy you, it might hurt you, it might make you hating me so I warn you...If you feel content with your PDA thingy and don't even care with what the rest of the world thinks, just turn around please. If you continue reading it and end up being annoyed...Well guess what, that's exactly what I feel when I saw PDA thingy post flooding my news feed. So, for the sake of whatever relationship we have, for the sake of the possibility that me considering you my dear friend, if you really okay with PDA, just turn around please :)

http://www.threeskins.com/acatalog/smi0664_s.jpg

If you can read this, it means you are in a way ignoring my warning...So, just please embrace yourself.

When I said PDA, what I mean is the public display of affection either online like on facebook or other social network per se or the 'real cuddling and kissing'. Well, I live in a country where such acts are quite common in public place. Not as horrible as in Western Europe or in US though. At least, people here still try to find the empty corners or dark areas to 'perform' PDA. (It kinda make me understand the reason my parents won't let us grow up in Western European country. It's just useless to sensor any kissing scene from your TV if your children can see it anywhere).

Anyway, I don't like seeing PDA...wkwkw...It irks me. Like I said earlier, some people in this country are decent enough to find empty corners or dark areas. That may be one positive side of this country. You don't just see teenagers smooching in an open area in a crowded mall. Though one occasion or another, I could see people showing PDA in the mall, MRT, bus, or university, and my instant response in mind is always

Get a room will you...

One I cannot run from is the online PDA as it's flooding my facebook news feed. It is seriously eerie when you see the intimate conversation or what's supposed to be meant only for two between husband and wife in a public area. The more eerie when they don't even married yet. My response is the same, get a room will you...well, by room I means SMS, Gtalk, YM, Skype, BBM, or whatever communication portal available for two that if your communication only meant to be read by the two of you.

I think the main problem is, the different agreement of the definition of intimacy. Some people might think to call your loved ones with a name only you can call is already an intimate thing. (i belong to this group). Some might think that it's not. Another problem is the different excuses reasons people come up with for PDA. Some might say it's just a form of sharing happiness to the rest of the world, some say it's the form of sharing happiness to the family (well, they might not know that there is another way to do this apart from posting it on facebook), some simply may say that they just want to show off...just like a little kid having a very expensive and one of a kind toy and he/she just shows it to his/her friends, mocks them...

Look look look...I have this while you don't...

It kinda confuse me though. If you feel content in a fulfilling relationship, why do you feel the urge of wanting a response by the rest of the world? I mean I kinda understand of the urge of having physical contact in offline PDA but to have people response on your online PDA, I cannot get any other explanation except for wanting to show off. Well, I don't mind people showing off as long as they don't mind to be considered of showing off.

Initially, I agree with my friend hypothesis that I feel jealous so I dislike PDA. That might be true when I was still single and that PDA thingy really annoys me...
However, once I got married, surprise surprise, it still irks me. Wkwkwk...

My one sided love-CDG

I always have a thing for CDG. I always want to jump into the gate whenever I see its monitor flashing CDG in Changi. As a Moslem, I know that there's one city where I should feel being called to visit but that particular city, that particular airport is the one I'm always longing for. Thus, it comes as a little bit surprise when I found that it's one of the 10 of the world's most hated airports here.
Nevertheless, as I am still a little bit persistent and thick headed regarding this matter, I still love CDG :D
Ooohhh CDG, ooohhh ville de lumiere, when can we meet?

Comme un diamant qui se pose
Aux branches de mes doigts
Tu brillais chaque nuit devant moi
Ville de lumiere
J'ai besoin de toi

Ne plus pleurer
Rester là
A se demander pourquoi
N'exister
Que pour toi
T'aimer jusqu'au dernier combat

When being not a Drama Queen

women's greatest strength is their unlimited patience...to smile after long silent cry, to trust after painful lie, to rise after falling apart...

Qawwam

It's not imam nor rois nor malik.
It's qawwam...why's that? What difference would it make?

What difference should it make?

 Found one here: ketika suami harus bisa memasak

Wishlist

I want to watch
- Twilight, tehe...
- Sherlock Holmes
- MI4
- Wicked...

Really want to watch WICKED :D

Menyapa rasa

yang bernama cemburu

Ketika masa lalu menjelma sebagai kenangan
Ketika teman dan tempat bersepakat melambai-lambai dengan label memori
Makhluk-makhluk itu mengintip di sudut-sudut hati dan menyesaki dada

Dan saya memilih untuk percaya
Pada pria luar biasa yang telah Allah pilihkan untuk saya
Mengukir senyum-senyum baru
Dan memahatnya pada gunung-gunung batu

Agar rasa ini menjadi landasan untuk mengarungi samudera
Karna rasa ini hanya bisa ada saat rasa lain ada
Dan rasa lain itu bernama CINTA...

The (current) last paycheck

Just received my last paycheck today...
Welcome income-less world, I think :)

Dear Sir/Madam,
Please be advised that the following payment will be made to you on behalf of *******
Transaction Reference: *******
Payer/Remitter's Reference No: *******
Beneficiary Details: *******
Payment method: Giro
Payment Amount: *******
Currency: SGD
Value Date: 14-Dec-2011

H.I.T.A.M

Thursday, July 1, 2010

hitam kelam
gelap terlelap
kelana merana
gundah gelisah
...

Genes in the Bottle

Just realize one thing, my habit of expressing my emotion; every anger, grief, disappointment, jealousy, etc.; through facebook status is hereditary. It’s on my genes, so let’s blame genes for that. :D

what an emotional tells the logical...a non fictional tells the fictional

I feel like the biggest joke ever...
really? u dare to ask me that much? in the month when my mother's hope flunk, when she has to explain it to my extended families...seems u r not aware of how much damage u've caused. It's not only to give me another reason to cry when I already have thousands to. U make me and my mother become the big fat liar in front of my extended families. U betray somebody who trusts you, who believes in you.
U took something from me, like he took something from me
I let myself drown in agony last year because at least I owed you that much
But this year, I didn't take anything from you so I refused to let myself fall
I don't deserve this. I am caring, loving, supporting when I have strength to
I swallowed my big pride, threw out my logical because I thought u worth it...
Just when I am down, fall, hit the rock bottom, u left me...
For whatever reason that is, the fact is just as simply as u left me...
U left me at the lowest point of my life
U gave me another reason to cry when I already have thousands to
U made my mother and me become the biggest joke in front of my extended families

And thank you very much for that...
If u still don't realize how much u hurt me, this is it.

Untuk Ami

Ami, dahulu kau pernah bertanya padaku, “mengapa orang bercerai?” Aq tahu duka itu masih membayang di matamu. Duka yang sama yang juga membayang-bayangi hidupku. Tetapi dulu kita masih muda, kita masih naif, masih bermimpi tentang cita dan cinta.

Ami, saat ini aq mengerti walaupun tidak bisa menerima. Aq tau mengapa orang yang dulu saling mencintai bisa saling menyakiti. Karena bahagia selamanya itu hanya ada dalam dongeng-dongeng kanak-kanak yang sering kita baca dulu. Karena waktu bisa mengubah segalanya. Karena tidak ada yang bisa menjamin (diri sendiri sekalipun) bahwa cinta itu akan selalu ada. Karena hati atau kalbu, sesuai kata aslinya qulb sangat mudah berbolak balik. Karena waktu adalah makhluk tidak bernyawa yang berkuasa mengubah segalanya.

Ami, hatiku tersenyum untukmu bahwa kau telah menemukan seorang pria yang sangat luar biasa. Doaku terpanjat untukmu agar kau dan dia selalu bisa menjaga cinta kalian di jalan yang benar dengan cara yang benar.

Ami, segala yang terjadi di masa lalu biarlah menjadi bagian masa lalu. Bahwa kita mungkin menerima lotere cobaan berat, bukankah kita sudah sepakat, yang kita punya hanya doa dan harapan agar kita dan keluarga kita selalu dijaga, dijauhkan dari marabahaya, dan hidup bahagia. Sisanya adalah kehendak-Nya dan kita harus bisa selalu bersabar dan bersyukur.

Ami, bahagia itu memang harus datang dari dalam diri. Bukan karena kita dicintai, bukan karena kita mencintai. Jenak waktu ini membuka mata dan hatiku betapa banyaknya orang di dunia ini yang ingin membagi bahagianya untukku. Salah seorang temanku mengirimi aq puisi ini ami,

AFTER A WHILE
-Veronica A. Shoffstall-
After a while
you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn
that love doesn’t mean learning
and company doesn’t mean security

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plan
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure
You really are strong
You really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn

Dan aq sangat bersyukur karenanya.

Ami, genap satu setengah bulan lagi kau akan melepas masa lajangmu. Maafkan aq yang tidak bisa di sampingmu saat kau menyiapkan salah satu peristiwa terpenting dalam hidupmu. Maaf karena saat ini yang kupunya hanya doa untukmu.

Ami, aq belajar banyak hal dalam rentang waktu dua puluh tiga tahun ini. Bahwa menjadi dewasa bukanlah berarti kita harus selalu membuat keputusan yang benar. Menjadi dewasa berarti kita harus menghadapi semua konsekuensi dari pilihan kita. (credit to Ugly Betty)

Ami, di tengah-tengah kesibukanmu, bolehkah aq memintamu untuk menyisipkan suatu doa. Untukku, agar aq bisa selalu bersyukur menerima semua karuniaNya dan bersabar atas semua cobaanNya.

Ami, I know I will be okay…though there are still some promises broken, though there’s still a heart broken…(credit to my friend Swasti)
Cause this pain is inevitable, but still bearable…but I am not welcoming moaning, agonizing, wallowing whatsoever….I just need a moment…to heal and recover completely…

Ami, tunggulah aq, aq akan datang, pada hari pernikahanmu, dengan senyum mengembang di bibirku, dengan syukur di hatiku, dengan kepasrahan di dadaku….

Je t'aime…Ami…

Enlightenment

I told u it’s hurt but you still do not stop…
For the very simple reason, I finally can understand why people got divorced, why men can have one nite stand with hos, why it’s so easy for men to have an affair though they already have children…
It’s so vivid right now…The difference that makes a man man and a woman woman (at least ordinary man and woman)
I finally understand though I still cannot accept it… And I pray to God for every single pain I have rite now, it can redeem for the pain I’ve caused…For every tear drop I have right now, God will give me someone who can be my shelter in this life and the life after
Unlike you, I don’t have the on/off switch button…But like you, I am only human that made a mistake…Either this is my redemption for the error I’ve done or this is the answer to my pray, I know I would be alright as long as God with me… (n I keep saying hasbunallah…)
I always love the way you love me…or now it becomes, I always loved the way you loved me…