Thursday, July 1, 2010
hitam kelam
gelap terlelap
kelana merana
gundah gelisah
...
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tanpa judul
Va dove Ti Porta il Cuore
Itulah judul novel yang dia baca ketika dia memutuskan untuk meninggalkan sarang nyamannya dan terbang ke negeri seberang beberapa tahun yang lalu. Saat ini dia sedang mengalami kebimbangan yang sama, untuk meninggalkan keadaan nyamannya dan bertaruh pada dunia asing di luar sana, atau tetap diam di sini dan berharap keajaiban yang mengubah semuanya. Dia terdiam, menarik nafas dalam-dalam, dan berusaha membersihkan hatinya dari kerak-kerak yang mengotorinya selama bertahun-tahun terakhir ini. Lalu dia menangis, dia berteriak, dan dia tertawa. Akhirnya, hatinya memutuskan dan diapun beranjak. Hari ini, dia menarik garis akhir, dia menutup sebuah babak, dan dia melangkah, dengan berbekal doa, restu kedua orang tuanya, dan pengharapan pada Tuhannya. Dia tidak tahu apa yang menunggunya di luar sana namun dia terus berjalan. Karena sungguh musykil mengharapkan hasil yang berbeda dengan terus menerus melakukan hal yang sama.
Pergilah ke mana hati membawamu
Itulah judul novel yang dia baca ketika dia memutuskan untuk meninggalkan sarang nyamannya dan terbang ke negeri seberang beberapa tahun yang lalu. Saat ini dia sedang mengalami kebimbangan yang sama, untuk meninggalkan keadaan nyamannya dan bertaruh pada dunia asing di luar sana, atau tetap diam di sini dan berharap keajaiban yang mengubah semuanya. Dia terdiam, menarik nafas dalam-dalam, dan berusaha membersihkan hatinya dari kerak-kerak yang mengotorinya selama bertahun-tahun terakhir ini. Lalu dia menangis, dia berteriak, dan dia tertawa. Akhirnya, hatinya memutuskan dan diapun beranjak. Hari ini, dia menarik garis akhir, dia menutup sebuah babak, dan dia melangkah, dengan berbekal doa, restu kedua orang tuanya, dan pengharapan pada Tuhannya. Dia tidak tahu apa yang menunggunya di luar sana namun dia terus berjalan. Karena sungguh musykil mengharapkan hasil yang berbeda dengan terus menerus melakukan hal yang sama.
June...my new favourite month :)
Tak ada yang lebih tabah dari hujan bulan juni
Dirahasiakannya rintik rindunya kepada pohon berbunga itu
Tak ada yang lebih bijak dari hujan bulan juni
Dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu
Tak ada yang lebih arif dari hujan bulan juni
Dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan diserap akar pohon bunga itu
-S.P.D-
Dirahasiakannya rintik rindunya kepada pohon berbunga itu
Tak ada yang lebih bijak dari hujan bulan juni
Dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu
Tak ada yang lebih arif dari hujan bulan juni
Dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan diserap akar pohon bunga itu
-S.P.D-
L A U T
Friendster dengan lucunya menghapus blog lamaku...yah bagusnya tertutuplah aib2 :D Tetapi rasanya ada yang aga bermutu dan setelah menggali2 akhirnya ketemu juga. Dulu ditulis untuk seorang sahabat yang telah bersabar menghadapi saya yang egois bin keras kepala bin ngeyelan bin nyebelin. Lalu kemudian hidup membuat kita menjauh dan menjauh dan akhirnya kita menempuh jalan yang berbeda. Well, u know who u r. Yang catatan kakinya ngga usah ditulislah y :)
Konon kabarnya teman adalah mereka yang menghabiskan waktu bersamanya walaupun dalam diam, bisa membawa kelegaan seolah2 sepanjang waktu dihabiskan untuk bertukar cerita. Jadi mellow2 ga jelas gini. Merindukan kalian. :)
Damai bagiku adalah terduduk di sini
menikmati angin laut yang bertiup kencang
menikmati jilatan2 ombak
menikmati kemilau biru seluas pandangan mata
Damai bagiku adalah berdiam di sini
menerka rahasia yang tersembunyi di balik kilauan biru
menahan keinginanan menyibak dekapan rapat samudra
menyimpan pertanyaan harta apakah yang tersembunyi di bawah sana…
Damai bagiku adalah membagi tawa bersamamu
mendengarkan canda
menyimpan cerita
menikmati alur kehidupan masing2 kita
Damai bagiku adalah berdiri di sini
Tidak lagi berusaha menerjang badai untuk mengarungimu
Tidak lagi berusaha menyelamimu
Tidak lagi berusaha melukaimu
Damai bagiku cukup ini
Di sini
Saat ini
Konon kabarnya teman adalah mereka yang menghabiskan waktu bersamanya walaupun dalam diam, bisa membawa kelegaan seolah2 sepanjang waktu dihabiskan untuk bertukar cerita. Jadi mellow2 ga jelas gini. Merindukan kalian. :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Hello World
My last entry is around a year ago...wkwkwk...many things happen since that day that I dare not to share with the rest of the world. I have been in cloud nine since, alhamdulillah...
Eniwai, I attended a convocation (or in Indonesia, we called it graduation ceremony) bout 3 weeks ago, and unlike me who gave unprepared sleepy distorted farewell speech, the person who gave the farewell speech was quite well-prepared. I could feel his vibrant spirit, thrill, and excitement of entering the world. I was reminded of how I felt five years ago (yes, i am that old) when I felt that there was a lot of opportunities in front of me. That was one of the optimistic moment I've ever felt.
If you asked what I felt 5 years after. Well, for sure, I lost the thrill I felt that day. I might be one of the unlucky ones of having an early death. Some of my friends seem to enjoy their life and their job, and still having the same excitement of thousand opportunities ahead.
I am still trying to keep pushing myself though. That I can manage to graduate. That I can manage to somehow enjoy this tiny country island. That I can manage to face the shadow that has been haunted me for the last several months and kept me awake the whole night when I decided to face it last night. Breech of trust is something that is very hard to mend. But I need to trust I guess. I need to be more composed and calm and face the shadow so hopefully it would blew off my path so we are ready to face another shadow on another path...I can't believe I can sound this optimistic.
Hello world, this is me...the same little girl who is trying her hard to survive in this big world. To be better at my previous roles and to welcoming my new role. :)
65 days to go for freedom and loneliness.
Eniwai, I attended a convocation (or in Indonesia, we called it graduation ceremony) bout 3 weeks ago, and unlike me who gave unprepared sleepy distorted farewell speech, the person who gave the farewell speech was quite well-prepared. I could feel his vibrant spirit, thrill, and excitement of entering the world. I was reminded of how I felt five years ago (yes, i am that old) when I felt that there was a lot of opportunities in front of me. That was one of the optimistic moment I've ever felt.
If you asked what I felt 5 years after. Well, for sure, I lost the thrill I felt that day. I might be one of the unlucky ones of having an early death. Some of my friends seem to enjoy their life and their job, and still having the same excitement of thousand opportunities ahead.
Don't I have thousand opportunities as well?What I feel now that the choice I made four years ago dragged me down to hit the rock bottom. I have experienced countless of depressive episodes since then. In the end, or at the point I'm standing now, I kind of understand why I had to take a lot of detour to stand where I am now. I am happy more or less with my life. Unsatisfied a lot with my career life but heck, it's just four (or five) years of having made the bad choice. For sure I can shake it off and move on (someday). Nah, actually the only way out I'm thinking now is to be a housewife. Apparently, I am that desperate. But like God has given me His precious gifts after series of misfortune in life, who knows what He has ahead for me. This is me trying not to be dragged down to the bottomless hell of depression again.
I am still trying to keep pushing myself though. That I can manage to graduate. That I can manage to somehow enjoy this tiny country island. That I can manage to face the shadow that has been haunted me for the last several months and kept me awake the whole night when I decided to face it last night. Breech of trust is something that is very hard to mend. But I need to trust I guess. I need to be more composed and calm and face the shadow so hopefully it would blew off my path so we are ready to face another shadow on another path...I can't believe I can sound this optimistic.
Hello world, this is me...the same little girl who is trying her hard to survive in this big world. To be better at my previous roles and to welcoming my new role. :)
65 days to go for freedom and loneliness.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Numb
This morning, I woke up with a different feeling than what I’ve felt for the last 3 years. Ever since I left my hometown and studied abroad, I’ve been living my life without any hope unless wishing that these days in hell will just end. However, this morning, not only I woke up in the middle of my family at my grandma’s house, but I also feel alive for the first time after quite a long time. The fact that the heart inside my body is still beating suddenly became very important for me. Because when I realize that my heart is still beating, the whole news and things happened the night before became clearer. Another heart stopped beating.
We were born few months apart and our bedrooms were just few meters apart. Though we grew up together, we weren’t that close of friends. I used to envy her for being smart, rich, and beautiful. Even now, when my mother called me last year and told me that she was sick, I did envy her. I might be ungrateful for my current life that I am willing to exchange it with her. I just thought that may be on my dying bed I would be loved; may be on my dying bed somebody would really just care for me; may be on my dying bed I would enjoy life more, as being alive is so much more important than getting a PhD. I hate myself for being insensitive but this last year I’ve been oscillating near the dangerous zone but the fact that my heart is still beating awakened me. I am still destined to live in this world. With this small thing beating inside of me, I still can do a lot of things, fulfilling my duty and obligation to my parents, my God, and my society.
However, as I was approaching my hometown today, I know for sure I would definitely cry. It’s just like my mother said, when somebody that young (yes, my mother consider s that my age is still young) left early, it stirs something inside you. I imagine that I have to face one of the things that I hate most, a mother who lost her child. It’s so heartbreaking, and somehow I feel relieve that we reached home quite late so I still have the whole night to prepare myself. It’s so eerie, but I know I have to cry now before I go back there. I have to cry now and here while I still have some shoulders and warming heart to calm me down. I don’t want to bring this uncomfortable feeling back there where I am lonely and tend to get depressed more. I know soon or later I will have to cry.
Nevertheless, I think, before I got so sad and depressed, I have to say a proper goodbye. So, good bye my friend. You’ve fought bravely and it’s time for you to rest well.
We were born few months apart and our bedrooms were just few meters apart. Though we grew up together, we weren’t that close of friends. I used to envy her for being smart, rich, and beautiful. Even now, when my mother called me last year and told me that she was sick, I did envy her. I might be ungrateful for my current life that I am willing to exchange it with her. I just thought that may be on my dying bed I would be loved; may be on my dying bed somebody would really just care for me; may be on my dying bed I would enjoy life more, as being alive is so much more important than getting a PhD. I hate myself for being insensitive but this last year I’ve been oscillating near the dangerous zone but the fact that my heart is still beating awakened me. I am still destined to live in this world. With this small thing beating inside of me, I still can do a lot of things, fulfilling my duty and obligation to my parents, my God, and my society.
However, as I was approaching my hometown today, I know for sure I would definitely cry. It’s just like my mother said, when somebody that young (yes, my mother consider s that my age is still young) left early, it stirs something inside you. I imagine that I have to face one of the things that I hate most, a mother who lost her child. It’s so heartbreaking, and somehow I feel relieve that we reached home quite late so I still have the whole night to prepare myself. It’s so eerie, but I know I have to cry now before I go back there. I have to cry now and here while I still have some shoulders and warming heart to calm me down. I don’t want to bring this uncomfortable feeling back there where I am lonely and tend to get depressed more. I know soon or later I will have to cry.
Nevertheless, I think, before I got so sad and depressed, I have to say a proper goodbye. So, good bye my friend. You’ve fought bravely and it’s time for you to rest well.
White Lies?
I was lying a lot these days, so much that even I, myself got fed up and exclaimed, moooiiii. I don’t know why it’s very hard for me to just say “it’s all over, everything i’ve said last year is not applicable now.” Well, one of the beautiful things about my language is it doesn’t have past tense. So technically, I wasn’t lying as everything I said was supposed to be in past tense. Kekeke.
I don’t know whether it’s my ego or my hurtful heart that prevented me from telling the truth. It’s just that I don’t feel good of explaining these things to people who (I think) don’t really care and I still feel so much pain to talk about these things and I can’t guarantee that I won’t cry or at the very least get cloudy. It’s just so hard for me. But these lies eating me alive and what made it worse is that my father and brothers didn’t say anything about it. Huhu...It’s killing me inside. I think it’s better to come clean so here we go.
I don’t know whether it’s my ego or my hurtful heart that prevented me from telling the truth. It’s just that I don’t feel good of explaining these things to people who (I think) don’t really care and I still feel so much pain to talk about these things and I can’t guarantee that I won’t cry or at the very least get cloudy. It’s just so hard for me. But these lies eating me alive and what made it worse is that my father and brothers didn’t say anything about it. Huhu...It’s killing me inside. I think it’s better to come clean so here we go.
I am 25. I am single in all definition that every vocabulary has. I am not with anybody right now. I am not planning anything related to that M word right now.However, I do believe in my God and believe that He will do his part and I just need to do my part. So, just please stop asking me questions, will you?
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