The Deadly Sin

I should have known this better than anyone else should. I grew up watching my beloved oyaji struggling with the corrupted system namely my beloved country until the point that I really question him,

why r u coming back here? Why can’t we just stay out of here?

Still, I feel part of me torn when I watch where I am now and where some of them now. I know for sure you do not need to be ‘good’ to be rich in this part of the world. I know for sure that only a thin wall that differ my country and some disputed African countries. However, why do I still feel like this? I chose to walk this way and I have to bear all the consequences of my own choice. Today though, I want to blame the system that makes some people like me evades the country and some people like my oyaji lives struggling in the country. I think I need to really just be grateful for what I am now. And I should keep remember my friend’s quote, “with greater knowledge, comes greater responsibility; with higher education, comes greater responsibility to share it with those who cannot have it”.
Sigh…God, please free myself from this envy and greed.

The (BIG) World

10 years old girl asking a lot of question
It's cute everyone love it
Everyone thinks she's smart
Her father patiently answering her questions

25 years old woman asking a lot of question
It's annoying everyone staring at her
Everyone thinks she's childish
Only her father can still patiently answer her questions

Yes, because within 15 years, you can know everything in the world, you can conquer every language there is, you can read every writing system there is, you can experience every culture there is, you can understand every theory there is...

what an emotional tells the logical...a non fictional tells the fictional

I feel like the biggest joke ever...
really? u dare to ask me that much? in the month when my mother's hope flunk, when she has to explain it to my extended families...seems u r not aware of how much damage u've caused. It's not only to give me another reason to cry when I already have thousands to. U make me and my mother become the big fat liar in front of my extended families. U betray somebody who trusts you, who believes in you.
U took something from me, like he took something from me
I let myself drown in agony last year because at least I owed you that much
But this year, I didn't take anything from you so I refused to let myself fall
I don't deserve this. I am caring, loving, supporting when I have strength to
I swallowed my big pride, threw out my logical because I thought u worth it...
Just when I am down, fall, hit the rock bottom, u left me...
For whatever reason that is, the fact is just as simply as u left me...
U left me at the lowest point of my life
U gave me another reason to cry when I already have thousands to
U made my mother and me become the biggest joke in front of my extended families

And thank you very much for that...
If u still don't realize how much u hurt me, this is it.

My best fren's wedding

In the last past months, I am struggling with how to deal with losing. One of my best frens is getting married to someone who is (was) a total stranger to me. Yes, we took the same university; he was even my classmate during my first year of the university. However, I still feel I don’t know him or to be exact, not the type of guys I can hang out with pretty well. And my best fren, is a very sweetheart and I think of her as one of the girls I love most in the world. And yes, I spent days, months; try to deal with a feeling of losing. Somehow, I feel that I will lose her. Somehow, I feel that he will take her away from me. Yups, that’s a very exaggerating feeling but I couldn’t help it.

Now, they’ll get married in less than one month and deep down, I know they are one of those perfect couples that once you know them, you know they are meant to be each other. I am so happy that she can find a very great imam indeed that will accompany her in her journey to reach Jannah. And I can deal with my feeling too since I got bigger issue of losing in just few months ago, hehe. Alhamdulillah, in the end, I can smile very happily for them, pray sincerely for them and wishing them a blessed life in this world and the life after.

Barakallahu Laka Wa Baraka `Alaika Wa jama’a bainakuma fii khair.

To my very very best fren Dika Amelia Ifani which will hold the holy matrimony with Trian Hendro Asmoro on February 1st 2008 in Bandung. They are both bloggers and plan to share their inspirational stories here. I bet you can find a lot of nice writing there.


As for me,,,I am planning my journey home though I’ll only be home for 3 days. :P I have to take a very late flight since I don’t want to skip my class again. It’s gonna be very tiring and costly but she worth it. Cause I love her so much ukhtii. (lebay :D)

あなたの結婚式のお祝い

Nuri dan Elang

Untuk elang,
Terima kasih telah membiarkanku terbang tinggi
Terima kasih selalu menjaga sarang kita tempatku kembali
Terima kasih untuk kekuatan yang selalu kau berikan setiap kali aq lelah
Harapanku suatu saat nanti, kamu akan terbang bersamaku…
Angkasa ini akan kita lalui bersama
Dan sarang kita adalah bumi ini di manapun kita berada
Kamu akan terbang bersamaku elang, kamu harus bisa melihat dunia sebagaimana aq melihatnya…

Salam, Nuri

-Soeta, 5 January 2007-

Karna nuri sudah tidak punya sarang kembali pun elang yang selalu menjaga dan memberinya kekuatan
Karna nuri masih punya segudang cita2 dan mimpi
Karna nuri ingin menyentuh bintang sehingga harus terus terbang tinggi
Hari ini nuri menjadi elang, terbang mengarungi angkasa seorang diri
Hari ini nuri menjadi elang, tanpa tergantung pada elang lagi
Hari ini nuri menjadi elang, tanpa butuh sarang untuk kembali
Sarangnya adalah bumi di manapun dia berada…
Hari ini nuri adalah elang……………………..terbang tinggi…………tinggi dan tinggi……….

-Changi, 4 January 2009-

Dearests, please…

I heard a very shocking stories tonite. Well, it’s not that shocking but still when it involves some ones I know, it’s shocking. I choose not to believe, I choose to stay in this naïve world I build that everybody I know (and I love) would just never be that kind of guys.
However, if by any slight chance, it’s true, dearests, I hope you will never ever fall for it. I hope God protection and blessing upon your every step forever in your life. Though I know that all of it is your call, and I know to love somebody is not always to keep him save from danger. Sometimes, you just have to let him fall to be more stronger and know how to pull out himself together.
I just can’t have this mind that you will fall for it. Cause it will just never ever be satisfied. The more you have it, the more you want it again and again. Dearest, please take care. Please have your mind set up before you choose to fall for it. Dearests, please…just consider it thoroughly before you ever decide…Please…

Untuk Ami

Ami, dahulu kau pernah bertanya padaku, “mengapa orang bercerai?” Aq tahu duka itu masih membayang di matamu. Duka yang sama yang juga membayang-bayangi hidupku. Tetapi dulu kita masih muda, kita masih naif, masih bermimpi tentang cita dan cinta.

Ami, saat ini aq mengerti walaupun tidak bisa menerima. Aq tau mengapa orang yang dulu saling mencintai bisa saling menyakiti. Karena bahagia selamanya itu hanya ada dalam dongeng-dongeng kanak-kanak yang sering kita baca dulu. Karena waktu bisa mengubah segalanya. Karena tidak ada yang bisa menjamin (diri sendiri sekalipun) bahwa cinta itu akan selalu ada. Karena hati atau kalbu, sesuai kata aslinya qulb sangat mudah berbolak balik. Karena waktu adalah makhluk tidak bernyawa yang berkuasa mengubah segalanya.

Ami, hatiku tersenyum untukmu bahwa kau telah menemukan seorang pria yang sangat luar biasa. Doaku terpanjat untukmu agar kau dan dia selalu bisa menjaga cinta kalian di jalan yang benar dengan cara yang benar.

Ami, segala yang terjadi di masa lalu biarlah menjadi bagian masa lalu. Bahwa kita mungkin menerima lotere cobaan berat, bukankah kita sudah sepakat, yang kita punya hanya doa dan harapan agar kita dan keluarga kita selalu dijaga, dijauhkan dari marabahaya, dan hidup bahagia. Sisanya adalah kehendak-Nya dan kita harus bisa selalu bersabar dan bersyukur.

Ami, bahagia itu memang harus datang dari dalam diri. Bukan karena kita dicintai, bukan karena kita mencintai. Jenak waktu ini membuka mata dan hatiku betapa banyaknya orang di dunia ini yang ingin membagi bahagianya untukku. Salah seorang temanku mengirimi aq puisi ini ami,

AFTER A WHILE
-Veronica A. Shoffstall-
After a while
you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn
that love doesn’t mean learning
and company doesn’t mean security

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plan
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure
You really are strong
You really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn

Dan aq sangat bersyukur karenanya.

Ami, genap satu setengah bulan lagi kau akan melepas masa lajangmu. Maafkan aq yang tidak bisa di sampingmu saat kau menyiapkan salah satu peristiwa terpenting dalam hidupmu. Maaf karena saat ini yang kupunya hanya doa untukmu.

Ami, aq belajar banyak hal dalam rentang waktu dua puluh tiga tahun ini. Bahwa menjadi dewasa bukanlah berarti kita harus selalu membuat keputusan yang benar. Menjadi dewasa berarti kita harus menghadapi semua konsekuensi dari pilihan kita. (credit to Ugly Betty)

Ami, di tengah-tengah kesibukanmu, bolehkah aq memintamu untuk menyisipkan suatu doa. Untukku, agar aq bisa selalu bersyukur menerima semua karuniaNya dan bersabar atas semua cobaanNya.

Ami, I know I will be okay…though there are still some promises broken, though there’s still a heart broken…(credit to my friend Swasti)
Cause this pain is inevitable, but still bearable…but I am not welcoming moaning, agonizing, wallowing whatsoever….I just need a moment…to heal and recover completely…

Ami, tunggulah aq, aq akan datang, pada hari pernikahanmu, dengan senyum mengembang di bibirku, dengan syukur di hatiku, dengan kepasrahan di dadaku….

Je t'aime…Ami…