The (current) last paycheck

Just received my last paycheck today...
Welcome income-less world, I think :)

Dear Sir/Madam,
Please be advised that the following payment will be made to you on behalf of *******
Transaction Reference: *******
Payer/Remitter's Reference No: *******
Beneficiary Details: *******
Payment method: Giro
Payment Amount: *******
Currency: SGD
Value Date: 14-Dec-2011

The Tortoise and The Hare

Why spend effort thinking about what others can or cannot do? Keep your eyes on your path, envision your goal, believe you can get there, then do what you need to do to get there. You'll realize the tortoise wins the game in the end.
Dr. Thomas Hecht

H.I.T.A.M

Thursday, July 1, 2010

hitam kelam
gelap terlelap
kelana merana
gundah gelisah
...

Tanpa judul

Va dove Ti Porta il Cuore

Pergilah ke mana hati membawamu

Itulah judul novel yang dia baca ketika dia memutuskan untuk meninggalkan sarang nyamannya dan terbang ke negeri seberang beberapa tahun yang lalu. Saat ini dia sedang mengalami kebimbangan yang sama, untuk meninggalkan keadaan nyamannya dan bertaruh pada dunia asing di luar sana, atau tetap diam di sini dan berharap keajaiban yang mengubah semuanya. Dia terdiam, menarik nafas dalam-dalam, dan berusaha membersihkan hatinya dari kerak-kerak yang mengotorinya selama bertahun-tahun terakhir ini. Lalu dia menangis, dia berteriak, dan dia tertawa. Akhirnya, hatinya memutuskan dan diapun beranjak. Hari ini, dia menarik garis akhir, dia menutup sebuah babak, dan dia melangkah, dengan berbekal doa, restu kedua orang tuanya, dan pengharapan pada Tuhannya. Dia tidak tahu apa yang menunggunya di luar sana namun dia terus berjalan. Karena sungguh musykil mengharapkan hasil yang berbeda dengan terus menerus melakukan hal yang sama.

June...my new favourite month :)

Tak ada yang lebih tabah dari hujan bulan juni

Dirahasiakannya rintik rindunya kepada pohon berbunga itu



Tak ada yang lebih bijak dari hujan bulan juni

Dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu



Tak ada yang lebih arif dari hujan bulan juni

Dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan diserap akar pohon bunga itu



-S.P.D-

L A U T

Friendster dengan lucunya menghapus blog lamaku...yah bagusnya tertutuplah aib2 :D Tetapi rasanya ada yang aga bermutu dan setelah menggali2 akhirnya ketemu juga. Dulu ditulis untuk seorang sahabat yang telah bersabar menghadapi saya yang egois bin keras kepala bin ngeyelan bin nyebelin. Lalu kemudian hidup membuat kita menjauh dan menjauh dan akhirnya kita menempuh jalan yang berbeda. Well, u know who u r. Yang catatan kakinya ngga usah ditulislah y :)

Damai bagiku adalah terduduk di sini

menikmati angin laut yang bertiup kencang

menikmati jilatan2 ombak

menikmati kemilau biru seluas pandangan mata



Damai bagiku adalah berdiam di sini

menerka rahasia yang tersembunyi di balik kilauan biru

menahan keinginanan menyibak dekapan rapat samudra

menyimpan pertanyaan harta apakah yang tersembunyi di bawah sana…



Damai bagiku adalah membagi tawa bersamamu

mendengarkan canda

menyimpan cerita

menikmati alur kehidupan masing2 kita



Damai bagiku adalah berdiri di sini

Tidak lagi berusaha menerjang badai untuk mengarungimu

Tidak lagi berusaha menyelamimu

Tidak lagi berusaha melukaimu



Damai bagiku cukup ini

Di sini

Saat ini

Konon kabarnya teman adalah mereka yang menghabiskan waktu bersamanya walaupun dalam diam, bisa membawa kelegaan seolah2 sepanjang waktu dihabiskan untuk bertukar cerita. Jadi mellow2 ga jelas gini. Merindukan kalian. :)

Hello World

My last entry is around a year ago...wkwkwk...many things happen since that day that I dare not to share with the rest of the world. I have been in cloud nine since, alhamdulillah...
Eniwai, I attended a convocation (or in Indonesia, we called it graduation ceremony) bout 3 weeks ago, and unlike me who gave unprepared sleepy distorted farewell speech, the person who gave the farewell speech was quite well-prepared. I could feel his vibrant spirit, thrill, and excitement of entering the world. I was reminded of how I felt five years ago (yes, i am that old) when I felt that there was a lot of opportunities in front of me. That was one of the optimistic moment I've ever felt.
If you asked what I felt 5 years after. Well, for sure, I lost the thrill I felt that day. I might be one of the unlucky ones of having an early death. Some of my friends seem to enjoy their life and their job, and still having the same excitement of thousand opportunities ahead.

Don't I have thousand opportunities as well?

What I feel now that the choice I made four years ago dragged me down to hit the rock bottom. I have experienced countless of depressive episodes since then. In the end, or at the point I'm standing now, I kind of understand why I had to take a lot of detour to stand where I am now. I am happy more or less with my life. Unsatisfied a lot with my career life but heck, it's just four (or five) years of having made the bad choice. For sure I can shake it off and move on (someday). Nah, actually the only way out I'm thinking now is to be a housewife. Apparently, I am that desperate. But like God has given me His precious gifts after series of misfortune in life, who knows what He has ahead for me. This is me trying not to be dragged down to the bottomless hell of depression again.
I am still trying to keep pushing myself though. That I can manage to graduate. That I can manage to somehow enjoy this tiny country island. That I can manage to face the shadow that has been haunted me for the last several months and kept me awake the whole night when I decided to face it last night. Breech of trust is something that is very hard to mend. But I need to trust I guess. I need to be more composed and calm and face the shadow so hopefully it would blew off my path so we are ready to face another shadow on another path...I can't believe I can sound this optimistic.
Hello world, this is me...the same little girl who is trying her hard to survive in this big world. To be better at my previous roles and to welcoming my new role. :)
65 days to go for freedom and loneliness.